I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home & ate in two minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore...whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Va., together! Have a great life alone!
My Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you & I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER , because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50.00 from me that morning & your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell, Free & Alone for the MOMENT!!!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.